After more than a week of schooldays without Nadine, I say I am okay. I am not that depressed or sad anymore. Although I still feel unhappy whenever I see her empty armchair, I am okay. I guess the feeling of missing her will never go away. It will remain in my system and as time goes on.. I will eventually get used to it. We see each other and talk on the phone once in a while. Things are simply changing. And we all know that we can't fight change. It's one of the strongest forces of nature. I am embracing change now. Change happens for a reason.
Today, I want to get a little more personal and share how I really feel towards the recent happenings in my life. Whenever I blog, Its always just about the "first level" of what and how I really feel. Of course, I have to set some boundaries of privacy. After all, anyone can read my blog. But at this moment, I am going beyond that boundary. I want, for the first time, to be completely honest [or almost]. I don't know why. I just want to.
I started this post with a positive outlook towards this change. Yes, I am quite seeing things in a different perspective now.
You see, I've been living in the shadow of my friend Nadine. I was at first oblivious to it, but now the picture is clear. I am always just walking and standing behind her back, following her direction. I am fickle-minded person and I've grown to depend on her decisions. Whatever she decides on is also my decision. Whatever she chooses is also my choice.Whatever way she walks on is also my path. Do you now see the picture? I don't have my own individual identity because I've come to press and push myself with Nadine's. It's like "Nadine can stand with her own self, but Charisse? Naah. She needs Nadine."
So there you go.
One particular instance of living in her shadow is I being the Vice-President and Nadine being the President of our student government. She does all the action while I am just there, ready to do whatever is left. Come to think of it, it is my fault why I have become so dependent of her. I have my own hands, my own feet, my own mind yet I chose to follow and go along with hers. Nadine has nothing to do with this. She maybe even unaware that I was feeling this way all along.
So lads and gents, when Nadine transferred, I was left in awe. It is as if my backbone left my body...No more to support myself. I was greatly affected because now, I am faced with the burden of making my own decisions and simply, doing things all by myself. The worst part is, I'll have to occupy her vacated position as President!
Then and there, I realized that I've been breathing and existing in the shadow of my best friend. This change took the shadow away. My shade has gone and now, I am exposed to the brightness of responsibility and independence. I have been thinking a lot about this and I am sure it will be hard for me. I'm so used to the darkness of the shadow that this new brightness may somewhat blind me.
Nadine moving to another school has given me unfamiliar personal challenges. It will test not only our friendship, but of course, myself as an individual. I will take one step at a time as I create and find my own identity. My stepping stone will be functioning as an effective and reliable President. New power comes new responsibilities...
But with a deep sigh, I shall grow and learn to stand in my own feet!
"There is a time for everything,
and a season for every activity under heaven:
a time to be born and a time to die,
a time to plant and a time to uproot..."
Ecclesiastes 3:1-2
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